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Scrolling on X (formerly Twitter) is a reliable destroyer of any good mood. Posting on X (formerly Twitter) is a waste of time. Even keeping an account on X (formerly Twitter) is borderline unethical—and when I say that, I mean it’s on the other side of the border, and come to think of it it’s also not particularly close anymore. But I still haven’t nuked my account, because every now and then somebody posts something very stupid, and I have to go see if it’s real, and these days it always is, and it is nearly always a government official.
So here’s something that United States Senator Lindsey Graham posted last evening.
Yeah. I know you will want to go over there and verify this, but I’ve saved you the trip. It is real. I read it again just now, and even though I knew what was coming, I sighed so heavily that trees and power lines are down throughout my neighborhood.
To bring you up to speed: Last Monday, Pope Francis—the spiritual leader of the planet’s 1.3 billion Catholics— died. This happened the day after Easter, the holiest day of the Catholic liturgical year, the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus Christ, a guy whose message of grace, charity, and humility was once a pretty significant attribute of Christianity. Pope Francis was laid to rest in Vatican City on Saturday. So, obviously, by Tuesday it was time for laffs.
If you don’t want to click through and watch the video, I have never empathized with anything more strongly. So I will tell you: a reporter asked President Donald Trump— famously not Catholic, visibly fell asleep at Francis’ funeral, favorite verse from the Bible is “all of them”— who his pick for the next Pope was. Trump said “I’d like to be Pope, that would be my number one choice,” because sweatily making everything about himself is the only way he knows how to make a joke (or give a speech, or govern a country).
Trump then went on to say that there is “a Cardinal we have in a place called New York who’s very good.” Since he clearly cannot remember the name, he is referring to Cardinal Timothy Dolan, Archbishop of the Diocese of New York. Having just watched the power of a Trump endorsement on Canadian election results, I would like to respectfully say to Cardinal Dolan: don’t list your apartment just yet.
Donald Trump probably does not actually want to be the Pope, but you know he was looking around at Vatican City and thinking: I could sell memberships. You know the second he walked into St. Peter’s Basilica he started wondering where they put the ice sculptures. You know he’s got Eric working on Trump Incense, and you know it’s going to be a brand partnership with Febreze.
Anyway, a short time thereafter, also-not-Catholic Lindsey Graham posted his papal endorsement of Trump because I guess he had not yet closed the day’s humiliation ring on his Apple Watch. Between this and the continuing antics of Rep. Nancy Mace, I have to ask: Is there something in the water in South Carolina, or are you two not drinking any water at all? Either way, go to the hospital.
Now, here’s the thing: This is probably meant to be a joke. But when people aren’t funny, it’s very hard to tell. Plus, a joke has to subvert expectations, exaggerate the truth. You gotta heighten the shit, girl! And endorsing Donald Trump for the job of Supreme Pontiff of the Catholic Church is just about in line with the level of supplication Lindsey’s been hitting on the regular since 2016. I mean, look at this post that is also real.
Would “Should be Pope” be at all out of place on this list?
The point is this: You can’t be tongue-in-cheek when you are actively licking the boot. There is just not enough tongue for both jobs.
Still, at least this papal bullshit is slightly less horrific than Marjorie Taylor Greene going on X hours after Pope Francis’s death and telling her followers “evil is being defeated at the hands of God,” which is a real thing that a real elected official from the real United States House of Representatives really posted on a real public forum, about the spiritual leader of around 17 percent of THE WORLD. This really happened, just a little over a week ago, and the hits are coming so fast and fatuous that we all forgot. I remember when Madonna made out with a Black Jesus in her “Like a Prayer” video, and it was the top story on the news for the next six years. Madonna wasn’t even in Congress anymore by that time!
The great news is that everyone who took big, noisy offense to Madonna— and to Hozier and Sabrina Carpenter and the movie Conclave and the collected works of Christopher Durang— now has no choice but to step up and demand an apology from both Donald Trump and Lindsey Graham. It would be morally inconsistent not to, so it is good that I have vomited myself inside-out like a sea cucumber and can therefore not move, because now I can be right here when it happens. It should be coming any minute now.
Both Trump and Graham call themselves Christians, and maybe they are. I don’t know their hearts. Given their public stance on feeding the hungry and loving their enemies and the ethical ramifications of selling a $60 Bible with the lyrics of Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless The USA” printed inside it, I have doubts. But even if we didn’t already know that neither of these guys were Catholic, this incident would make it crystal clear.
Of course they’re not Catholic. They are not capable of shame.
