She’ll meet you in the lounge. Photo-Illustration: Vulture; Photos: Artur Debat/Getty Images, Fabio Lovino/HBO/Artur Debat
Mike White needs to put on his big boy snowpants and do a ski season of The White Lotus already. After three seasons in various iterations of paradise, fans are getting heatstroke. We need the show to cold plunge into something bracing, thrilling, chilly. There were rumors that season four would film in Norway, despite a lack of Four Seasons there, but more recent intel suggests Norway’s off the table. Furthermore, producer David Bernad told The Bill Simmons Podcast that “Mike does not like the cold” and we all know what makes this show so delicious is that it’s the result of White having a good time vibing at a nice resort (also, actresses). But there’s still hope for season four to go in a wintry mountaintop direction, as long as there’s still a Four Seasons in the French Alps they can film at. Below, a list of requests we’re politely filing with the concierge.
Yodeling theme song
Composer Cristobal Tapia de Veer is out for season four. Apparently he actually wanted the season three theme song to fold in the iconic ululating vocals, telling the Times, “I texted the producer and I told him that it would be great to, at some point, give them the longer version with the ooh-loo-loo-loos, because people will explode if they realize that it was going there anyway,” but they didn’t make the cut, and the fans miss it. Why remove the hook? Clean slate, they can bring back those catchy, haunting vocals … as a yodel.
Winter House
Beer? Smash. Black diamond? Smash. Your bros? Well … if it conserves warmth. Winter House, which packs Bravo stars into a ski chalet with nothing but outdoor sporting equipment and booze, is three seasons of debauchery for Mike White to further corrupt with his sick fantasies. Set the murder during Gaper Day where everyone’s indistinguishable, ripping down the slopes in neon wigs and costumes. That’s a Gwyneth Paltrow ski trial scenario waiting to happen.
High fashion snowsuits
Lord, we’ve seen what you’ve done for the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Now bestow some of that flashy, impractical, amazing Moncler on a new cast of rich hotel guests. Looks demand to be turnèd.
Someone loses their phone in the snow
Does it have a very incriminating voice memo on it? Does it leave them stranded in the backwoods? Is it merely the universe punishing them for their vacation-posting vanity?
Someone loses their gun in the snow
Because it’s The White Lotus.
Helicopter rescue
Or heli-skiing. Put that budget to good use, honey!
Homage to Force Majeure
Because The White Lotus is often just Ruben Ostlund in a different font. They have to at least wink at it.
Characters get stuck on ski lift for a whole episode
Which would not be a bottle episode, just a bottle … subplot?
Hunky ski instructor/MILF student affair
Her: Ignored by husband/boyfriend who would rather do double-black diamonds by himself than wait impatiently for her at the bottom of an easy run. Him: Sensitive, a good listener, has a goggle-tan.
Sauna towel slip
Bigdogging in the banya.
Heathen American girlfriend mistakes raclette for fondue
She can’t eat it anyway, because she doesn’t do well with dairy. This is an issue that will come up more than once.
Someone excited to ski then immediately breaks their leg and spends the whole time laid up in their room
The show has done lots with different inequalities within a relationship, but what about health? You think the rich assholes taking a White Lotus ski trip are going to make sure the injured family member still feels included?
Sandra Huller or Nina Hoss behind that manager desk
Fabien ought to have a much cooler sister who also went into hospitality.
Death by exposure
The season better open on a frozen corpse.
