Years before Red Sox outfielder Jarren Duran played his way to the All-Stars in 2024, the mounting pressure of the 2022 season nearly ended him.
Duran revealed he attempted to take his own life in the new Netflix docuseries, “The Clubhouse: A Year With the Red Sox,” that will be released Tuesday. In the fourth episode, “Still Alive,” Duran opened up about his yearslong battle with depression, the attempt to take his own life with a rifle and the season that brought him to a breaking point.
Duran was inundated with negativity in his 2022 season. He was failing to live up to his own expectations, hearing the echoes of home fans’ disappointment in him and listening to announcers calling out his shortcomings.
“I would think every day, ‘I can’t f—ing do this,’” Duran admitted. “I couldn’t deal with telling myself how much I sucked every f—ing day. Like I was already hearing it from fans and, like, what they say to me. It’s like, I haven’t told myself 10 times worse than that in the mirror.”
“It was a pretty low time for me. Like, I didn’t even wanna be here any more,” he continued.
Director Greg Whiteley then asks Duran, “When you say ‘here,’ you mean ‘here’ with the Red Sox or ‘here’ on planet Earth?”
“Probably both,” he replied. “I got to a point where I was sitting in my room, I had my rifle and I had a bullet and I pulled the trigger and the gun clicked, but nothing happened. So, to this day, I think God just didn’t let me take my own life because I seriously don’t know why it didn’t go off.”
“But I took it as a sign of, like, all right, I might have to be here for a reason. So that’s when I started to look myself in the mirror. After the gun didn’t go off, I was, like, ‘All right, well like, ‘Do I wanna be here or do I not wanna be here?’”
Duran’s vulnerability about the new revelation is being saluted by league leaders.
“Jarren’s decision to share his story is an act of courage that reaches far beyond baseball,” said Red Sox president Sam Kennedy in a statement, the Boston Globe reported. “Every member of this organization continues to stand with him. He has our deepest admiration, he’s always had our full support, and we’re incredibly fortunate to have him as part of our team.”
Major League Baseball commissioner Rob Manfred gave praise to Duran as well.
“Providing comprehensive mental health support for our players is a responsibility that Major League Baseball and all of our Clubs take very seriously. We commend Jarren Duran for sharing his story of perseverance,” Manfred told the Globe. “Through the courage of Jarren and other players, we are able to use our platform to demonstrate the importance of mental health awareness and communication to the fans of our national pastime.”
The 28-year-old reflected on the pressures of his childhood earlier in the Netflix episode, feeling like he had to live up to the high expectations his father, Octavio, set for him. His father was always pushing him to be a better player, Duran said, sometimes throwing baseballs at him when he was younger.
“It was tough love. But I feel like everybody has gone through that,” Duran said. “He was always hard on me and I wanted to prove him wrong.”
It was no secret that Duran was facing what he calls “demons” at the time of his suicide attempt.
He publicly spoke about about his mental health struggles in a 2022 Mass Live interview, opening up about the emotionally trying season and admitting it was difficult to stay in the majors.
“I’m kind of just tearing myself up internally and get pretty depressed and stuff like that,” he said. “I find it hard to reach out to people because I don’t want to bother other people with my problems. I kind of just build it up inside myself, which obviously makes everything a lot worse.”
And the fans still did not let up on Duran, he said in the docuseries.
“I feel they cross the line when they start talking about, like, my mental health and making fun of me for that, calling me weak” Duran told Netflix.
But Duran persevered, starting the 2023 season at Triple-A and returning to the Majors early that season.
His career only took off from there; he was the Most Valuable Player of the 2024 All-Star game the following year.
He wrote ‘F— ‘em’ on the tape on his left wrist, saying in the Netflix series, “It’s me telling my demons, ‘You’re not going to faze me.'”
Shortly after the All-Star game, Duran faced an unpaid suspension for two games after calling a heckling fan a homophobic slur while playing against the Houston Astros. He issued a statement after the game, which the Red Sox lost 10-2, apologizing for his outburst.
“I feel awful knowing how many people I offended and disappointed,” Duran said. “I apologize to the entire Red Sox organization, but more importantly to the entire LGBTQ community. Our young fans are supposed to be able to look up to me as a role model, but tonight I fell far short of that responsibility.”
Now, Duran stays mindful of his mental health, saying in “The Clubhouse” that it’s still an everyday battle to be proud of himself. He prioritizes keeping a daily journal to process his feelings and has books of positive affirmations.
He also keeps reminders of his mental health with him on the field. Alongside the message on his left wrist tape, Duran shared the other one written on his right.
“I write, ‘Still alive’ because I’m still here and I’m still fighting.”
If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
